The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
