it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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