Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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