I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
