Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
