wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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