Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
