my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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