Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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