Screwed.edu
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
