The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
