You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
