there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
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