me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
