You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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