how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
