my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
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Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
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The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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