Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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