Sober January is a disaster.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
