She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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