I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Green mimosas i think yes
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
