1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
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Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
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THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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