is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong