JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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