Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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