I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
