sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
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He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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