Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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