Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
