Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
