im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
