I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
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Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
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Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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