the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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