apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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