My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
