awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm bleeding and have questions
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
