Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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