and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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