I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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