Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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