So drunk its hurt
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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