I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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