mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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