I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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