just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
