He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You were trust falling into bushes
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
