last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
