I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
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