you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
