You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
