it was like his penis was on wheels.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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