I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
