I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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