when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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