there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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