yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
