Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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