the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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