Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
